I was talking to a loved one recently and asking them if they felt like they have a sense of self. They said very eloquently, “I haven’t completely met myself yet,” and since that conversation I have been reflecting on my resonance in those words. One of the troubles with being in treatment for so long and working on my recovery for even longer, my attention and energy was always spent coping. Taking care of myself feels more like muscle memory nowadays. Now, I have the time, capacity, and awareness to do things outside of the mental health realm. 

In a recent conversation with my brother, I broke down crying. I am in the middle of a lot of big life decisions. I’ve been on the extreme end of doing everything on my own without considering how it would play out for other people. Now, I’m on the other end of being so scared to do things wrong, that I ask for feedback from too many people far too many times. I’m trying to figure out what my middle ground is. What would I die on the hill for? When would I say no, that’s enough?

Having such a loose and diluted sense of self is difficult. I feel like a lot of my identity lies in being of service to others. That the goodness of my own self lies in how helpful, how useful I am, but being needed is not the same as being loved.

In my psych class we had to take a personality assessment. I scored the highest on agreeableness. I left wondering, what’s so scary if I was fully and completely myself? What would change if I was unapologetically me?

You can’t find yourself if you are looking for who you are in other people. My challenge for myself in this season is to understand who I am more and make decisions that are authentic to that person. My hope is to be fully and unapologetically myself. To be my own reassurance. To know that I will get through this without putting my confidence on another person.

I anticipate this will be a life-long journey. One quote that I really like that relates to this is by Rumi who says, “We are all just strangers walking each other home.”

It might be a lonely journey sometimes, but have courage and be brave because you are just starting to get to know someone pretty spectacular : )